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Friday, September 5, 2008

I Want A Lady In The Street, But A Freak In The Bed

Oh, Ludacris.  With tht one sentence, you singlehandedly summed up what guys want from a woman.  Right?  Ehhh, sort of.  Occasionally I get these e-mails or see some blog posted that asks....well, what do you guys want from a woman?  I hear my boobs are too big, my boobs are too little, my ass looks fat, I'm kinda insecure and jealous, I wanna lose ten pounds and yadda yadda.   I also see the bulletins that tell me that in order to be a good man, I need to hold her hand in the rain, or kiss her forehead when she cries, and always be a gentleman.  Good shit, ladies, but good luck.  That bulletin was made up by some lonely drunk girl, who was obsessing about her lack of a lovelife, and wondering why her boyfriend (who she just cheated on) won't return her calls, and now she's shifting the blame to him.   So sit back as I momentarily get serious and let you into the mind of guys....well, my mind.  (I have ADD, so bear with me)

Ok, so what is it that us guys want?  Is it the playboy bunny with huge fake cans?   Will I ever find a Victoria Secret Model with a Masters in Rocket Science?   No, I'll never find her, but I don't really want her.  What do I want?   I want someone who makes me wanna be a better person.  A woman who inspires me on a daily basis.  Someone just as beautiful inside as I think she is outside.  I want a woman who has a natural beauty, who will look beautiful in sweats and a hat, and  can then turn around and drop my jaw when I take her out to a nice place.  I want someone who I feel the desire to impress, not because I have to , but because I WANT to.   I don't care if she curses, has  big boobs, little boobs or a fat ass.  Don't get me wrong...the looks are what draws the first attraction, but ultimately it's the woman herself who has to keep my attention.  There's nothing I can define here as far as looks or personality.  It's really not that easy to pinpoint.  I've enjoyed the company of brunettes, blondes, big girls, tiny girls, black, white...whatever.  And it seems that the main trait that these women have, in my mind, is that they have the world in the palm of their hands.  I want a woman who can set her mind to something and set out to accomplish it.  Whether she does, or not, is irrelevant.  I want the effort.  I want that confidence in a woman.  I don;t want someone who needs me to call her beautiful just to make her feel better about herself.  I'll call her beautiful when I want.  And I'll mean it everytime.  I also want someone who can call me on my bullshit, and has an opinion of her own.  Someone who can argue sports, work, or general bullshit with me.  Anything.  Having an opinion is a plus.  I also want someone who, when I wake up in the morning, makes me have to pinch myself because I can't believe this woman would want me.   Not in an insecure way, but who gives me that comfort level that I know there's no one else in the world she'd need, but why the hell did she pick me?  Ultimately, ladies, it's not about your looks, or your style of dress. I've seen the most beautiful girls in the world be some of the ugliest.  And I've seen some of the ugliest be some of the most beautiful people I ever met.  

I also want someone who can sit and watch sports with me (any halftime or timeout favors are a bonus, but not expected), or let me watch sports with the guys if she doesn't like football.   Just because you don't like sports doesn't mean you shouldn't give us some time to go out and hang with the fellas.  I don't like shopping, but I'll occasionally do it, or not bitch when you go out a run the credit card bill up, then I'm stuck springing for the next 5 meals.  Someone who understands that, while I still want her, I still need some space once in a while.  A creative outlet like writing about hot women (ok, not the best example), sports, or poker.  And, as I mentioned before I want someone who will call me on my bullshit, but I also want someone who can tolerate it a little bit, and at some point is actually amused by my idiosyncrasies.  Oh, and pick up on my sarcasm, pleaaaase.  Nothing worse than a shitty sense of humor.  I need a girl who can make me laugh a belly laugh at least once every...ehh, two days.  

And sex: Yes I want it...often.  I want it now even.  I want it upside down, inside out, everything from the Ludacris song, except on the 50 yard line of Lincoln Financial Field.  I don't mind hearing about SOME experiences, or maybe hearing a suggestion of what I can do better, or you like this and don't like that.  I listen.  I'll most definitely screw it up again, but sooner or later I'll get it right.  I want you to play nurse, cook in only an apron, and be the naughty librarian once in a while.   Surprise me, and I'll do the same.  What I don't want is some over the top freaky shit that'll make me wonder "what the hell was that?", and "Oh shit, who taught here that?"  If it feels awesome, odds are I won;t even think twice about it though.  And don't tie me up and ballgag me and spank the shit out of me with a wooden paddle called the "attitude adjuster."  I don't even wanna be called daddy (that just weird), but Ayyy Papi works.  Variety is the key to a wild and wonderful sex life.  And remember the peotic words from Bell Biv Devoe, "Smack it up, flip it, rub it down."

When you look at it, maybe guys are just as complicated, but we don't need to show it, or we think we'll look like pussies if we do (welp, I certainly feel that way RIGHT NOW).  Man, good thing I do this anonymously, because I sound like a really big fag, and I'm sure the people who know me are gonna have some fun with this...but it is what it is.  You wanted to know.  I delivered.   Don't expect this kind of honesty from me again.  It's a little incoherent, but whatever, take from it what you can.  Maybe that's why I'm single.