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Tuesday, September 16, 2008

No One On The Corner's Got Swagger Like Us

The Ashley

Real quick, we will not be speaking of last nites "moral victory", aka goddamned loss, to the Cowboys. I purposely didn't mention it yesterday cause I'm a mush (see: A Bronx Tale). But dude, a hook and ladder (lateral, whatever) on the final play....oh my god. And 30 seconds to run 2 plays inside the 2 minute warning. Good management. Anyway, I'd like to take a minute to formally welcome The Ashley into Philly. She's comin from Delaware, so there may be a little culture shock. I picture Delaware as like a Stepford Wives place, prim and proper, please and thank yous. I even picture Delawarians to speak with a British accent for some reason. But Dela-where's loss is our gain, and what a gain it is. I wish all hotties could look like this and be this enthusiastic about being on our site. She's a little Femme Fatale, with the gorgeous looks, and outgoing personality. Every guy who meets this girl must be immediately smitten. Let's see if she can prove me right....

Hey guys! My name is Ashley…I'm a complete beach bum, I am absolutely addicted to music, and I am a huge EAGLES fan. I also love reading, art, photography, going out w/ my friends and spending time w/ my family. I'm a total goofball and I'm always laughing and having a good time. I'm very outgoing and love meeting new people. I hate olives, fake people, gossip and hangovers. I am moving to Manayunk with my best friend within the month and I can't wait! We're hoping there are a few cute guys out there who want to show us around the town… :)

The offers are pouring in by the dozens to show this hottie around the 'Yunk. They should put Ashley on Jerry Lewis telethons with this kind of response. I'd offer to show her a round, but I'd generally take up most of the attention from guys and girls, because they'd be wondering "What must be goddamned loaded. Or hung No other explanation why she's with him" I still can't figure out what that intangible is that these women's like this girl next door charm, mixed in with this sexiness, mixed in with hotness. That's a dangerous cocktail right there. Could put you on your ass. And if you're wondering, the Eagles picture is the newest one....she took it especially for us! I feel so special, and not even in that window-licking sort of way! I can't say enough good things abut this hottie. She's got a degree in Psychology so she's smarter than you... WAIT A MINUTE!!!! Found it. Found the flaw! Favorite baseball team...Orioles. Well, at least your not a frontrunner cause they've sucked for the last 8 years. There really isn't anymore I can say about this hottie. She's beautiful, sexy, sophisticated, and fun. Now, onto the entertainment...the worst date! YES!

Tip of the Day

Q: What's the worst date you've been on, The Ashley?

A: My worst date was a couple years ago with a guy I met at the bar I work at in the summer. His band played there and we had been flirting all summer long, so I finally caved and let him take me out. He took me out to dinner and we started by ordering wine. The waiter asked to see our I.D.s and up to that point I didn't know how old he was…needless to say, I downed my first glass of wine after the waiter exclaimed, "You were born in '66?? You're older than me!!!" (I was 21 at the time.) After our dinner, we went back to his place and he pressured me so much to be intimate with him. First of all, it was the FIRST date! Slow down, old man! Secondly, that's not the way you get a woman. I fell asleep on the couch (damn that wine!) and he woke me up asking, "Why won't you touch me?!?!! You're not attracted to me, are you?!?!!" Not cool. As soon as my wine buzz wore off, I was in my car and I never spoke to him again. I would see him at the bar the next year, but I just waved and would quickly run the other way.

Lessons to be learned from this date:

1) ALWAYS be truthful! He would never tell me how old he was, supposedly because of his career. Had he been up front with me, I wouldn't have felt so awkward on the date. Or maybe I wouldn't have gone, but at least he would've known one way or the other if I was into the real him rather than just what he wanted to portray to me.

2) Never pressure a girl to do anything, there's nothing more unattractive. If she wants to kiss you or more, she will. Trust me, we can make the first move, too. If you push us, it makes you look like a jerk off and more than likely, you'll be doing just that later that night without our help.

3) Don't wake a girl to yell at her. What was that?!?!!

My other advice is to be yourself. Girls are crazy about guys who are comfortable in their own skin, confident, and REAL. Also, I love guys who can make me laugh. So if you've got a goofy side, let it show. The guys who are serious all the time are so boring…personally, I need a guy who can keep up with me. I want someone who has all different sides to him, and when you're true to yourself during a date, you allow all those different sides to show. :) Good luck!